Jessy Pooh's Journey

So it's been a while and I thought I'd update everyone. I started this blog to help myself and others who might be struggling with ALS or depression or life. Also maybe if you know someone struggling or are caring for someone. It also serves as a way to update friends and family in one shot. It's easier than telling every single person. It keeps us connected and close. It saves you time because it takes forever for me to get something out. Lastly I can let it all out here and not consume me. What I don't ever want is for this disease to consume my life or me again. It's part of the reason I like this. I don't like talking about it alot outside of here because I don't want the attention or pity or my sole focus to be this. There is so much more to focus on or worry about. Like friends and family and trips and making memories and love and really living. So forgive my foul mouthed vulgar humor and drunk posts because bitch I ain't dead yet. I'm st...

I was diagnosed 3 years ago and hadn't really dealt with it. I cried the day I found out...and when I broke the news to my siblings...and here and there from frustration but every time I would be yelling at myself in my head to stop being weak. To not let it break me or make me sad. That I was fine and would beat this and to not let it break me. But I'm not gonna beat this and I needed to let it break me... After the anger and frustration started to lift I realized that it was grief and sadness that I was holding onto and burying. Of course I was angry and frustrated but not nearly as bad as I thought. I was forced to try more and ask for help which was not as bad as I thought it would be. I realized how much I stopped doing for myself and all together and how much I had turned away from everyone and into myself. So I decided fuck it! In an effort to really let go and find that optimistic.. strong...adventurous..unembarrassed...outgoing..funny ..vulgar..easy going...mouth ...

*This was by far the hardest scariest thing I've written about. I cried so much through this one. Writing these out and seeing them ripped me up in a whole new way. This is gonna go a little differently because it's not really a story. These are the demons I fight on a daily basis pretty much....as of lately especially. They are the ones trying to drown me and my spirit. The ones that cost me my fiance. The ones that made me not want help and pull away from everyone. The ones that on occasion have made me want to give up living. If you have never battled your own demons in your head let me paint you a picture of what it looks like so that you might have a better understanding of what it feels like in my head. Picture yourself floating in the middle of the ocean smiling and enjoying the water and all of a sudden you get pulled under and then come back up terrified and looking around for help or something to hold onto but you're all alone! It's like that only not a...

First i want to say that this is in no way about blaming anyone or putting her faults (in our relationship or personal) out there. Those are hers and not for me to say. This is about me letting it out and maybe helping others struggling feel not alone...or as an example of what not to do. It's about healing and simply working through this process. From the moment we met we had an instant connection and spark that there was no stopping. Was I hesitant and scared...fuck yes. She was the first girl I ever felt my heart skip for. I've always loved love and diving into things that scare me because I love feeling alive and I always want to live life to the fullest and with no regrets. So I jumped...and we began our story. We were connected at the hip. Saw each other whenever we could. It was a little tricky in the beginning because her parents were against her being gay and I wasn't allowed at her house. That didn't stop me from sneaking over late at night or spendin...

So I'm 28...living life and I get this cough that lasts for months and I think well that was weird but whatever. Then I start to notice that my voice sounds weird and I'm having trouble talking...like my tongue is heavy and honestly I sound drunk all the time.  I mean I was drunk alot but that's not what it was. I finally tell my mom we need to see the doctor. At this point the fuckin cough is back...I'm choking on water sometimes like I didn't know how to swallow ( we all know that I knew how;) lol )and I start to notice weakness in my arm. Being a massage therapist I chalk it up to over working and I decide I need work done so I do accupuncture...more yoga..get massages and hope it works. Meanwhile the doctor gives me stuff for a cough cuz my blood work is fine and refers me to an ears nose and throat specialist. So the ent finds nothing besides a little acid reflux and gives more stuff for the cough. It's not working so I'm referred to a breathing specia...