Welcome to the dark side...come in and meet my demons
*This was by far the hardest scariest thing I've written about. I cried so much through this one. Writing these out and seeing them ripped me up in a whole new way.
This is gonna go a little differently because it's not really a story. These are the demons I fight on a daily basis pretty much....as of lately especially. They are the ones trying to drown me and my spirit. The ones that cost me my fiance. The ones that made me not want help and pull away from everyone. The ones that on occasion have made me want to give up living.
If you have never battled your own demons in your head let me paint you a picture of what it looks like so that you might have a better understanding of what it feels like in my head.
Picture yourself floating in the middle of the ocean smiling and enjoying the water and all of a sudden you get pulled under and then come back up terrified and looking around for help or something to hold onto but you're all alone! It's like that only not a shark! It's dark faceless figures reaching up and pulling you down into what feels like water because you can see light above and you feel like if you kick and swim you'll reach the top. When you come up you're gasping for air and exhausted and feel a little less like yourself. That's what it feels like battling all these thoughts. I feel like im in the water trying to kick these things off my feet and legs so they don't pull me under. Every once in a while one or a few win and I'm under water yelling for help but all I hear is them. I eventually get to the top and am exhausted and try to catch my breath. I ignored and pushed them down and kept letting them build and get stronger instead of letting go and facing them. So let's go through them one by one and set those bastards free. Here goes nothing....in no particular order ...
• I'm going to miss so much! Birthdays...weddings..trips..births..the list goes on
• The fact I can't be the cool aunt I wanted to be to my niece and nephew. I can't run with them or swoop them up in my arms.
• I won't get to meet all of my nieces and nephews and watch them grow and tell them hilarious stories about their parents. Or get to see my siblings get married and flourish in life.
• Feeling like I'll be forgotten about before I'm gone.
• Feeling like a God damn burden
• Smile and act happy...you're already a lot to handle.
• Be strong because it will bring others down if you show how much you're hurting.
• I'm broken and damaged and why would anyone want me
• That it all would be too much for my fiance.
• My friends will get tired of helping me and stop inviting me out or won't bother inviting or helping
• It's only going to get worse and harder. It's only my hands and arms and balance now but soon my legs...voice and breathing
• It would be better if I just died now and saved myself and everyone the trouble of the rest of this journey
• Sad and frustrated because i probably couldn't off myself if I tried because of how weak my hands are.
• Embarrassed about what is happening to me
• The guilt of not being able to deal with my situation fast enough and be a better friend...fiance and person.
• Guilt about being sick
• Fear ...nervous...panic. not only for me but everyone I love.
• Tired of fighting...it's all so heavy
• Why me
• What did I do to deserve all of this
• I'm not ready
• I had so much more to do...say and be
• This isn't fucking fair...please just take me already.
So on top of all that...they like to do this trick where they all combine and wrap around me and it feels like an incredible weight on me pulling me deeper and deeper. All I see is darkness and all I feel is this weight. I can be sitting in a room full of people and be smiling but feel completely alone. It all makes me pull inward and away and I know I can't now. I want to feel like myself again and to do that I need to really be open and honest as scary as it may be. So now that you all have met my demons...let's resume my story...
This is gonna go a little differently because it's not really a story. These are the demons I fight on a daily basis pretty much....as of lately especially. They are the ones trying to drown me and my spirit. The ones that cost me my fiance. The ones that made me not want help and pull away from everyone. The ones that on occasion have made me want to give up living.
If you have never battled your own demons in your head let me paint you a picture of what it looks like so that you might have a better understanding of what it feels like in my head.
Picture yourself floating in the middle of the ocean smiling and enjoying the water and all of a sudden you get pulled under and then come back up terrified and looking around for help or something to hold onto but you're all alone! It's like that only not a shark! It's dark faceless figures reaching up and pulling you down into what feels like water because you can see light above and you feel like if you kick and swim you'll reach the top. When you come up you're gasping for air and exhausted and feel a little less like yourself. That's what it feels like battling all these thoughts. I feel like im in the water trying to kick these things off my feet and legs so they don't pull me under. Every once in a while one or a few win and I'm under water yelling for help but all I hear is them. I eventually get to the top and am exhausted and try to catch my breath. I ignored and pushed them down and kept letting them build and get stronger instead of letting go and facing them. So let's go through them one by one and set those bastards free. Here goes nothing....in no particular order ...
• I'm going to miss so much! Birthdays...weddings..trips..births..the list goes on
• The fact I can't be the cool aunt I wanted to be to my niece and nephew. I can't run with them or swoop them up in my arms.
• I won't get to meet all of my nieces and nephews and watch them grow and tell them hilarious stories about their parents. Or get to see my siblings get married and flourish in life.
• Feeling like I'll be forgotten about before I'm gone.
• Feeling like a God damn burden
• Smile and act happy...you're already a lot to handle.
• Be strong because it will bring others down if you show how much you're hurting.
• I'm broken and damaged and why would anyone want me
• That it all would be too much for my fiance.
• My friends will get tired of helping me and stop inviting me out or won't bother inviting or helping
• It's only going to get worse and harder. It's only my hands and arms and balance now but soon my legs...voice and breathing
• It would be better if I just died now and saved myself and everyone the trouble of the rest of this journey
• Sad and frustrated because i probably couldn't off myself if I tried because of how weak my hands are.
• Embarrassed about what is happening to me
• The guilt of not being able to deal with my situation fast enough and be a better friend...fiance and person.
• Guilt about being sick
• Fear ...nervous...panic. not only for me but everyone I love.
• Tired of fighting...it's all so heavy
• Why me
• What did I do to deserve all of this
• I'm not ready
• I had so much more to do...say and be
• This isn't fucking fair...please just take me already.
So on top of all that...they like to do this trick where they all combine and wrap around me and it feels like an incredible weight on me pulling me deeper and deeper. All I see is darkness and all I feel is this weight. I can be sitting in a room full of people and be smiling but feel completely alone. It all makes me pull inward and away and I know I can't now. I want to feel like myself again and to do that I need to really be open and honest as scary as it may be. So now that you all have met my demons...let's resume my story...
