Emotional, Word, and Literal Vomit!
I was diagnosed 3 years ago and hadn't really dealt with it. I cried the day I found out...and when I broke the news to my siblings...and here and there from frustration but every time I would be yelling at myself in my head to stop being weak. To not let it break me or make me sad. That I was fine and would beat this and to not let it break me. But I'm not gonna beat this and I needed to let it break me...
After the anger and frustration started to lift I realized that it was grief and sadness that I was holding onto and burying. Of course I was angry and frustrated but not nearly as bad as I thought. I was forced to try more and ask for help which was not as bad as I thought it would be. I realized how much I stopped doing for myself and all together and how much I had turned away from everyone and into myself. So I decided fuck it! In an effort to really let go and find that optimistic.. strong...adventurous..unembarrassed...outgoing..funny ..vulgar..easy going...mouth like a sailor, badass woman I use to be, I'm letting it all out and everyone in. I started with my family....
It was a month of crying...talking...throwing up...not eating...not wanting to get out of bed or live. I do want to be clear about something first. Never did I want to die over her. Eww no one is EVER worth ending your life for! Nor would I ever guilt anyone to stay with me! I've seen it done to people I love and it's gross. No one NEEDS anyone...you want someone to share your life with but you don't need someone. Did losing her hurt? Of course, it still hurts and will for a while but it allowed for everything else to come out, for me to see clearly what I was doing, deal with it, fix what I could and fight!
I never opened up about everything because I never wanted to bring anyone down. It hurt already seeing those I love hurt by what was happening to me but I brought them all down with me now. Every person who stepped in my room or talked to me and listened ended up crying with me and though they may have only said they're sorry for all that I was going through or just held me..it meant the world. Every time I let someone else in it all felt a little lighter and that they were helping carry some of the weight and shine a light in the darkness. My mom slept with me one night..my sisters and other friends stayed with me...even my brother laid next to me one night held my hand and told me not to worry because they all had me and would take care of me. We were all in this together and no one else was going anywhere!
It was a month of everyone stepping up and learning what I needed and how to do things. Of me letting go of being embarrassed or trying to control anything. Of going with the flow and starting to feel like myself as best I can. Of still trying and adjusting accordingly instead of giving up. Of grieving for the life I had envisioned for myself and life I had...losing my fiance and her giving up on me and us. Of letting myself feel any feeling that came up and letting it go. Of everyone taking me out or visiting or helping me stay distracted and not in my head with all the darkness. Of stopping feeling guilty about being sick. Of just fighting ...mentally..physically...emotionally. Of loving everyone and being grateful for my support team. Then I decided why not tell my story and really be open and vulnerable. I hope that not only will it help me but others well, so I started this blog.
The outpouring of love and support has meant so much and I've even had people message me saying I've helped them. It's really been an eye opening journey. Not only for me but those I love too because many had no idea how much I was hurting. I feel so much more bonded to everyone and i know they do too. It's a beautiful thing seeing everyone come together and to feel like I'm helping others. So many friends family and people I haven't been close to in years have reached out to help and it really warms my heart.
As for M and I...she told me a little after a month that she was over me..didn't want to be a part of my life and is dating someone else. I thought our connection and love was deeper, stronger, worth fighting for and more than getting over in a day. I was wrong and it all feels like a lie now. I would have preferred her telling me look I know I proposed and promised to stand by you through this even when it's hard but now that it's hard I can't do it and met someone who isnt sick. Not how much she loves and cares for me...im her heart and she will love me for the rest of her life...that I'm the best relationship she's had ...theres no one like me..
.how beautiful i am and how attracted to me she still is and forgives me for struggling. Then completely shut me out and act like I meant nothing. I know she felt like only a caregiver at the end but it wasn't all me. I know that it hurts 100 times more because of everything I'm going through and I have no idea who the cold mean person she has been is. It makes it easier for me my family and friends to move on and let go of her because all have been equally shocked mad and heartbroken. So many told me that they were still rooting for us and see us working out. Jokes on us I guess Haha. Apparently space and finding herself meant finding herself a new girlfriend and relationship. Haha. May she find happiness love and whatever else she thinks she can never have with me again in her new homewrecking rebound relationship. Namaste...one day it will be sincere...hopefully.
How do I tell raider ( our dog ) that it's not her fault. That her other mom is never coming back and has a new family and baby she loves. She comes from a broken home now haha is dog therapy and child support a thing?
After the anger and frustration started to lift I realized that it was grief and sadness that I was holding onto and burying. Of course I was angry and frustrated but not nearly as bad as I thought. I was forced to try more and ask for help which was not as bad as I thought it would be. I realized how much I stopped doing for myself and all together and how much I had turned away from everyone and into myself. So I decided fuck it! In an effort to really let go and find that optimistic.. strong...adventurous..unembarrassed...outgoing..funny ..vulgar..easy going...mouth like a sailor, badass woman I use to be, I'm letting it all out and everyone in. I started with my family....
It was a month of crying...talking...throwing up...not eating...not wanting to get out of bed or live. I do want to be clear about something first. Never did I want to die over her. Eww no one is EVER worth ending your life for! Nor would I ever guilt anyone to stay with me! I've seen it done to people I love and it's gross. No one NEEDS anyone...you want someone to share your life with but you don't need someone. Did losing her hurt? Of course, it still hurts and will for a while but it allowed for everything else to come out, for me to see clearly what I was doing, deal with it, fix what I could and fight!
I never opened up about everything because I never wanted to bring anyone down. It hurt already seeing those I love hurt by what was happening to me but I brought them all down with me now. Every person who stepped in my room or talked to me and listened ended up crying with me and though they may have only said they're sorry for all that I was going through or just held me..it meant the world. Every time I let someone else in it all felt a little lighter and that they were helping carry some of the weight and shine a light in the darkness. My mom slept with me one night..my sisters and other friends stayed with me...even my brother laid next to me one night held my hand and told me not to worry because they all had me and would take care of me. We were all in this together and no one else was going anywhere!
It was a month of everyone stepping up and learning what I needed and how to do things. Of me letting go of being embarrassed or trying to control anything. Of going with the flow and starting to feel like myself as best I can. Of still trying and adjusting accordingly instead of giving up. Of grieving for the life I had envisioned for myself and life I had...losing my fiance and her giving up on me and us. Of letting myself feel any feeling that came up and letting it go. Of everyone taking me out or visiting or helping me stay distracted and not in my head with all the darkness. Of stopping feeling guilty about being sick. Of just fighting ...mentally..physically...emotionally. Of loving everyone and being grateful for my support team. Then I decided why not tell my story and really be open and vulnerable. I hope that not only will it help me but others well, so I started this blog.
The outpouring of love and support has meant so much and I've even had people message me saying I've helped them. It's really been an eye opening journey. Not only for me but those I love too because many had no idea how much I was hurting. I feel so much more bonded to everyone and i know they do too. It's a beautiful thing seeing everyone come together and to feel like I'm helping others. So many friends family and people I haven't been close to in years have reached out to help and it really warms my heart.
As for M and I...she told me a little after a month that she was over me..didn't want to be a part of my life and is dating someone else. I thought our connection and love was deeper, stronger, worth fighting for and more than getting over in a day. I was wrong and it all feels like a lie now. I would have preferred her telling me look I know I proposed and promised to stand by you through this even when it's hard but now that it's hard I can't do it and met someone who isnt sick. Not how much she loves and cares for me...im her heart and she will love me for the rest of her life...that I'm the best relationship she's had ...theres no one like me..
.how beautiful i am and how attracted to me she still is and forgives me for struggling. Then completely shut me out and act like I meant nothing. I know she felt like only a caregiver at the end but it wasn't all me. I know that it hurts 100 times more because of everything I'm going through and I have no idea who the cold mean person she has been is. It makes it easier for me my family and friends to move on and let go of her because all have been equally shocked mad and heartbroken. So many told me that they were still rooting for us and see us working out. Jokes on us I guess Haha. Apparently space and finding herself meant finding herself a new girlfriend and relationship. Haha. May she find happiness love and whatever else she thinks she can never have with me again in her new homewrecking rebound relationship. Namaste...one day it will be sincere...hopefully.
How do I tell raider ( our dog ) that it's not her fault. That her other mom is never coming back and has a new family and baby she loves. She comes from a broken home now haha is dog therapy and child support a thing?
Everyday is a physical and mental battle but I'm here for it! Bring it! Am I going to have bad days...yes like every other human! With all of you by my side we got this!...
I'm ending this one with something my friend harlow wrote me that stuck with me after telling her I don't want to feel like a burden and I'm great at helping others but not asking for help..."But what I want you to remember is that it's not a burden to be your friend. It's a joy ♥️ and we are all here to lift each other whenever we need it, and sometimes you'll need it and sometimes I'll need it, it's a give and take.It's hard, I know. But you have a lot of great lifters around you and we're just waiting! ♥️♥️♥️♥️" Harlow my Unicorn
